09 July 2012


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Our nation is afflicted with a mass psychosis. Its prime symptom: millions of wackos spouting racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, counterfactual right-wing crapola. Who are these halfwits? How did they get this way? Why do they vote for those who hate them? Why do they like being bossed around by crackpot demagogues? What's their attraction to libertarianism? And why oh why are lefties afraid to offend them? This book will help stiffen your liberal spine. Get tough. Get nasty. Get real. Get Townie Planet.


In this era of craven, stomach-turning timidity on the part of what is so laughably called the "liberal media," Townie Planet is a refreshing blast of contempt and outrage at the proud ignoramuses, shameless hypocrites, and batshit lunatics who are destroying the country, and all the foaming-at-the-mouth cretins cheering them on. Good Lord, so many people to FUCKING DESPISE!
Paul Slansky, author, The Clothes Have No Emperor

It’s funny and good and harsh and scary.
Liz Dubelman, founder, Vidlit

It was bad enough when the U.S. was led into disaster by the so-called "best and the brightest." Now we have the Republican Party pandering to, and consisting of, the worst and the dumbest. Steve Radlauer sees these people for what they are, and hopes (no; insists) you do, too — for your sake, if not for his. For a polite, empathetic account of the low-information voter, go elsewhere. To understand the mindset of the self-righteous imbecile who, every election season, shoots himself in the foot and then blames "liberals" for the fact that his shoe is full of blood, start here. Welcome, alas, to Townie Planet.
Ellis Weiner, author, Atlas Slugged AGAIN, the only Atlas Shrugged parody you will ever need

What the proverbial fuck!
David Owen, author, The Conundrum

Sample Mini-Chapters

Townies Love Hypocrites

L'hypocrisie est un hommage que le vice rend à la vertu.
La Rochefoucauld

They don't care if someone is repeatedly caught lying, changing position 180 degrees, quitting, or all of the above, plus leading the battle to impeach a president for committing adultery while in the midst of practicing serial adultery himself. As long as the hypocrite pays obeisance to townies, or appears to actually be a townie, townies are OK with hypocrisy. In fact, they seem to like it. In the counterfactual world of townie culture, hypocrisy is a badge of honor, a kick in the eye of conventional sensibilities (that is, sensibilities born of a familiarity with and an understanding of human history and culture). It's as if they regard hypocrisy as a kind of loyalty bond issued by the hypocrite: I have shown you what an abhorrent human being I am; now I abase myself before you and beseech you to like me, despite my manifest shortcomings; in exchange I shall support you in all your batshit-crazy endeavors.

As an extra-special bonus, the Christian townie gets "points from God" for forgiving a lying scumbag. And you can never have too many of those God-points in the bank!

Townies Are Mired In Abstraction

If you were given two seconds to name an abstract thinker, you'd be much more likely to say "Einstein" or "Richard Dawkins " than "Some Random Townie." And yet your average townie is no stranger to abstract thinking. Not closely reasoned abstract thinking, but abstract thinking nonetheless.
It's counterintuitive, but when you consider what is meant by "abstraction" you realize that townies live in a very abstract world indeed. For starters, townies tend to be more religious than non-townies, and there's nothing more abstract than persistently, habitually, perversely ignoring empirical evidence, choosing instead to believe there's a master puppeteer or blind watchmaker or old bearded dude up in the sky who is omniscient and omnipotent and yet created all this.
Also: Townies are far more prone than others to see the world — and especially their fellow humans — through a complex lens of abstract categories. Religion. Nationality. Ethnic background. Skin color. These abstract categories are of paramount importance to the townie, and if your abstract categories are not aligned with those of a townie who's checking you out, you are immediately identified as a member of that most loathsome abstract class: Other.
Also: They identify strongly with their country, even though their abstract concepts of what it stands for, and how it works, are wildly unhinged from its founders' intentions.
Also: Townies love — to the point of cathexis — their abstract affinity symbols, their flags, sports-team tee shirts, slap-on fender ribbons, gun racks, and the rest of it.
One thing they're not abstract about: art. They don't care much for abstract art. Their kid could do that.